Tag: transparency in relationship

What or Who Can We Really Believe?

Today was a perfect example of the world looking to the media to help us decide who to believe is telling the truth in the #Comey_hearing (6-8-17). The human race has come to the place that we don’t know who to trust. I trust 5 people in my life. That’s it. Outside of my close circle, I literally trust no one, not the president, the politicians, the police, the teachers, the medical staff who treat me, even some of my family… literally 5 people. That’s it! Why is this so?

Trust comes from honor and transparency. Let’s face it: how many people are you willing to be completely transparent with? Really! I know that even in 99% of marriages, especially the ones I have counseled over the years, there are so many secrets between spouses that I can’t imagine how any trust is there at all.

For this very reason, my husband and I have sought out to be completely transparent, even if it makes us angry, hurt, or anxious. You can get over those temporal emotions. What a relationship can’t get over is a big trust issue.

In Psychology Today Abigail Brenner, M.D., a psychiatrist in private practice, writes that Trust is the first of 7 most important aspects to make a great relationship work. Any relationship: a friendship, a mentor/student relationship, a work relationship, a family relationship, and, of course, a marriage cannot and will not stay healthy without the oxygen of relationship, which is Trust. In my estimation that means full and complete transparency.

  • Your partner wants to look at your recent emails? It’s fine.
  • Your husband wants to review your phone log? Sure, why not. I have nothing to hide.
  • Your boss wants to check your recent expenditures to see if you have been pilfering money from the company! Absolutely. Have at it.

What do you have to hide? That’s the big question. If you start out a relationship open and honest, the biggest trust issue becomes: will you continue to share the hard questions like:

 

  • Did you just check out the hot dude that walked by?
  • You called your ex? What’s up with that?
  • You’re keeping in touch with an old lover?

 

These kinds of questions not only need to be answered, but discussed. “What is causing you to suddenly distrust me? Did I do something recently that seemed suspicious?” A great relationship starts to build tremendous trust when it gets over these initial hard places. I can now say without a shadow of a doubt, I trust my husband more than I have ever trusted anyone in my life. Truly.

In a great relationship, you not only want to be open, but you want to understand the nature of the distrust. Trust me, we all have issues around trust. I have been shat upon so many times in relationship that it’s a wonder I don’t have exterior stains on my skin. However, I do know that the stains are internal, because every once in a while something that someone will say or do causes a trigger or a PTSD moment when I lose my peaceful path and enter into a dark place of fear.

Let’s face it: abandonment is usually the primary fear. Someone in the past left us, hurt us, lied to us—a parent, teacher, pastor, friend…. You name it, I’m sure you have as many people as I have had over the years simply lie right to your face without the blink of an eye.

Usually, though, after you have had a hard look back at a relationship, you can see where you lost trust completely and should have bailed. For instance, in one of my first long-term relationships, I witness my new partner of 6-8 months lying to his mother on the phone. I knew it was a flat-out lie, because I knew the truth. I even questioned my boyfriend about it. Basically, he thought his mother could not have handled the truth.

But who was he to decide what his mother, the one who gave him life, could handle? Trust is almost always the best tact unless, of course, it is at the wrong moment (like at a funeral or after someone lost a game or is sick). Truth must be told, but it can wait.

Back to my original reason for writing this blog: Who can we trust?

I have decided about three years that when I moved from Nashville to Florida, every new person would go through a long vetting process before I allowed them into my life. Do you know how many new good friends I have in Florida—one! That’s right. One.

I also decided that the people I assume were my friends from the past I had to re-evaluate. Did they fit into the place of total trust? What I realized is that most people were in that second category: Trust for the most part. I have no reason not to trust them, but I don’t know them well enough to truly trust.

When you meet trust, you understand why that if you have one or two great, trusted friends in your life, you are fortunate. Be the most honest person you can be, be compassionate about it, and you will always attract the same. Like attracts like.

Go to Bo’s Personal Website

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Deciding on and living by your core values is a tenuous challenge. My many years of spiritual coaching and life coaching can help you with this. I have helped many people in this situation see light and overcome the darkness of the past. For more information and individual pricing or as a guest speaker, give me a call: 954-253-6493.

SKYPE sessions are available. Click here for more information.* * *

 

A Single Session w/Bo Sebastian

What would you feel like if everyday you loved yourself a little more…

What would you be if you loved and gave compassion unconditionally… to yourself first and then to others?

If you could imagine yourself so connected to God Source that everything you thought and every action you completed you trusted could heal yourself and, ultimately the world around you?

Create a Better Life with One Healing Session with Bo Sebastian

Call 954-253-6493
(Sessions CAN BE DONE via PHONE, SKYPE or FACETIME.)

www.bosebastian.com

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Look for MY LATEST BOOK: “Your New Story, Your New Life” with a pathway to CLEAR (C-larity, L-ove, E-nthusiasm A-nd R-elationship-Ready) on my Website or on Amazon. Thanks!

GO TO AMAZON

 

 

 

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The Art of Subterfuge vs. Transparent Loving

My husband and I were reflecting on our marriage yesterday. I said jokingly, “I’m not your husband, my name is Joe Shikanda and I’m a spy from Nigeria!”

David replied something equally absurd. We continued to talk about how easily people get caught up in life and miss the small signs that reflect the honest truth about a soul.

The television show, “The Black List” is based on the premise of a male spy specifically targeting a female FBI agent. When the agent meet her husband, he was working as a teacher in a high school. He was kind, gentle, loving—yet, this FBI agent, who is supposed to be able to get to the bottom of any kind of crime, actually gets duped by this deceitful spy. How does someone pretend to love when love is supposed to be the most transparent and vulnerable place in our hearts? Why does our heart need love so much that we turn a blind eye to truth and facts?

When you think about it, pretending to love is the most horrifying kind of lie. Yet it happens everyday. Perhaps, not to the extent I mention in the past example, but we lie to ourselves and others about love. Most times our intentions are good, but we simply don’t know ourselves enough to be transparent. If we cannot be transparent with someone else, how can we expect it from our love interest? 

Continue reading below.

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Continued from Above:

True love and compassion takes the kind of relationship that best friends acquire from sharing experiences and secrets that you would not otherwise have unless you really trust someone. Most loving relationships hold back those deep secrets for fear the loving relationship will run away.

As I reflect back on many of my relationships in the past, I definitely remember signs of problems early on. But lust, the anxiousness to be in a relationship, and TV and movies all teach us to be anything but forthright with our relationships. We are taught to keep the garbage to ourselves and hide from those places in the past that may show someone a tainted image of you.  This is the reason why political figures get in trouble so often. They hide what will obviously paint a terrible picture of them. However, if you look at this premise, the reason why we distrust anyone who keeps a secret from the past is not because of the wrongs in the past. We distrust because the person was not transparent.

When relationships start as friends before dating, you ultimately spend most of your long talks on sharing your authentic experiences of life, the past, your thoughts of the future, and your worst fears.  This is what creates deep and lasting bonds between two individuals. Hiding is not the way to a secure love.

As friends we learned to be supportive and nonjudgmental to each other. One can look at another guy and say, “Wow, he is really gorgeous!” and the partner will feel nothing but relief that he can share his truth without experiencing jealousy. Love transcends the ephemeral and moves to a place where you want the best for each other and never want to hide your deepest thoughts.

Love looks for the opportunities to grow and to release more fears to feel the arms of security fold around you.

The Buddha says:

There is no evil that cannot be done by the liar, who has transgressed the one law of truthfulness and who is indifferent to the world beyond.

In other words, love cannot grow when any kind of deceit is present.

In Taoism, we have the same theory:

Do not assert with your mouth what your heart denies.

Christianity speaks of this as well in the scripture (Luke 6:45): “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mind speaks.”

All religions agree that you cannot had love when your heart is deceitful. Yet, many live in constant turmoil in their current relationships, because they cannot seem to find the path to truthful conversations and interaction.

As I have told many clients in the past:

Not every relationship is meant for the long haul. Some are meant to move us closer to our own truth. It is the strong-willed person with an pure understanding of Truth who will release what no longer serves him or her to find the ultimate experience of love. 

Releasing fear always draws us closer to love.

__________

If you buy a copy of my book: FINDING AUTHENTIC YOU and send me the receipt, I will send you

A FREE HYPONSIS MP3 TO HELP YOU DURING TIMES OF PAIN. SEND THE RECEIPT TO bosebastian5@gmail.com and I’ll send the Mp3 within the week, I promise.

Deciding on and living by your core values is a tenuous challenge. My many years of spiritual coaching and life coaching can help you with this. I have helped many people in this situation see light and overcome the darkness of the past. Give me a call: 954-253-6493. SKYPE sessions are available.

A Single Session w/Bo Sebastian

What would you feel like if everyday you loved yourself a little more…

What would you be if you loved and gave compassion unconditionally… to yourself first and then to others?

If you could imagine yourself so connected to God Source that everything you thought and every action you completed you trusted could heal yourself and, ultimately the world around you?

Create a Better Life with One Healing Session with Bo Sebastian

Call 954-253-6493
(Sessions CAN BE DONE via PHONE, SKYPE or FACETIME.)

www.bosebastian.com

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books

You don’t get to this voice if reason or recognize it unless you spend time with yourself in silence, asking yourself important self-talk questions. This is like dating. You must get to know the voice of the Spirit by spending time in meditation and silence. This is the only I know to clearly download the power of wisdom and recognize the voice—IN TIMES OF TRAUMA—that is always directing YOU into safety!

____________________

 

Coming soon, my partner David Menton and I are planning to start a Vlog with Vegetable Based enriched recipes from my plethora of fun and easy ways to make food taste amazing. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

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Feeling Naked in #Relationship

I remember going to a beach in San Francisco, once, with an ex. To get to the beach, we had to climb down a very long and steep set of precarious stairs that were made of rock and old wood, with no railing most of the way, and quite honestly, halfway down, I had wondered if it would be worth it. “It will be amazing,” my ex said with a wry smile. So, I continued climbing, holding a 15 lb. cooler in one hand, a knapsack with blankets and towels on my back, and my other hand almost white from trying to find anything to grab to steady myself.

After we got to the bottom, the beach was indeed a little piece of heaven. Very few people were visiting. The water and sand were not gentrified. And, interestingly, most of the people were naked! I turned to my partner, his smile now beaming. “I told you it would be amazing!” I knew he referred to the naked part more than the beautiful shoreline and gorgeous seascape.

“Don’t think I’m taking my swimsuit off,” I said immediately. I’m not one to be very cavalier in times like these. I supposed I have some body dimorphic issues. In other words, I think my body looks bad, even though it may not.

However, by an hour into our visit, I found myself naked on the blanket, and, sincerely, not caring what people thought. I feel, the reason I changed my mind was because, I had realized the people there weren’t ogling each other; they had come to experience freedom. Actually, for the first time in my life, I did feel rather abandoned about my body and being naked. Though we were born naked, we have been taught that our bodies need to be clothed our entire lives—that we need to be covered. Somehow, this translates to our minds, as well.

If you are in a relationship of any kind, you know that the only way to communicate effectively is to be completely transparent, which translates to mental nakedness. If you haven’t experienced transparency with someone, make it a point to try it. You will never feel freer in your life. However, I’ll implement a caveat. If you don’t have another secure individual communicating with you, your trial will be for naught. When an insecure person enters into a conversation that feels uncomfortably transparent, he or she will avoid it completely. So, our goal in our interpersonal relationships is to find people we can undress in front of mentally, without judgment.

When you find these friends and partners, you will certainly see a complete difference in you and your ability to communicate in a way that is authentic and loving, without condemnation.

 Meditation Photo

Coming Up: Relating spiritually!

This is my new book about Meditation. As it says, I have made this manual simple and practical for anyone who wants to begin the process of change through meditation. Please buy a copy for yourself and a friend. Go to Amazon!

* * *

Bo works with people on SKYPE and FaceTime all over the world. He is taking new clients now. Call 954-253-6493 for information.

Take the time to look at Bo’s bookshelf of self-help books, novels, healing downloads, and yoga DVD. All of Bo’s books help people such as you, make SIGNIFICANT CHANGE with habits, find your SOULMATE, your PASSION, reach YOUR DREAMS, and dictate your own FUTURE.

Chosen to show his new hypnotherapeutic techniques on The Learning Channel (TLC) and also given the opportunity to teach at the world conference for Learning, and received the award of excellence for Helping Overcome Obesity in Nashville, Bo Sebastian is the writer and director of Finding Authentic You and Uncommon Gay Spiritual Warrior. Go directly to Amazon/Amazon Kindle to buy any of his wonderfully inspired books: ]

 

 

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