Watching television last night, the character Caroline on the television comedy “2 Broke Girls” felt concerned about what to do on her third date. She was told by all of her friends that the third date meant sex. Caroline is the way more conservative person of the 2 girls and thought she was to wait until the 10th date. This, of course, begs the question: Who the hell should I listen to now?
I think we all should be asking ourselves the hard questions about dating, especially if dating has garnered the same results over and over again. If you find infidel, uncommitted, lack-luster dates that go nowhere, then you probably should try a new approach to dating. I know I did and found success.
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Continued from above:
As anyone gets older, the adult paradigm of dating—looking for truth and transparency—begs to be treated in a new and better way. We have the divine privilege of being able to look back on our lives (without judgment—please!) and see where we may do better this next time around.
As I hear from way too many clients: “For me, the choice of having sex too early in the relationship was exactly the problem.”
“How long do you wait until you have sex?” they ask. Do you follow your libido and the fire from some intense kissing toward sex? Or do you go home with a smile on your face with the expectation of what could be if you wait until your heart feels secure enough?
In some cases this feeling of security may take a great deal longer, especially if you have had sexual abuse or parents that were not present in your past. For me I had both. I had to take a good hard look at what that little child inside of me was feeling when I jumped into bed with a date before my heart felt secure.
What this tiny, insecure child was feeling was FEAR OF BEING ABANDONED. Interestingly, though, the action the physical body wanted to take to NOT FEEL ABANDONED was to be close, to connect in a physical way, to have sex to manipulate the person to want to keep coming back for pleasure. This, of course, in hind site was exactly opposite of the call from the inner child, who begged for the security of one loving relationship.
In a meaningful relationship, we want truth, love, security and transparency. This doesn’t happen in three dates, seven dates, or even ten dates. It happens when it happens. With my fiancé it happened around the 4th month of dating, even after we talked or visited for 2-3 hours a day, almost every day. The deeper you go with intimate conversation, the more your fears will arise.
You can tell when a date is authentic, when they stay around to work through the fear.
Yes, there were times when my now husband I felt as if the relationship wasn’t going to work. Perhaps, for me, it was fear of really being loved by someone honestly and purely. This takes good old-fashioned time and above all energy in the discovery.
I coach couples that know very little about the mechanics of their partner’s main belief system (their mainframe) and what makes them tick as an individual (the programs running on the computer, to stay with the metaphor). This lack of knowledge will send your subconscious into a tailspin, make your own mainframe FREEZE, often causing you sleepless nights and anger, because you may become afraid that the person whom you love may react just like one of the metaphoric traitors who left you in the past. Download some bad stuff on to your hard drive and you’re going to have computer problems. The same thing happens in your mind.
My advice in my NY Times Bestseller: Your Gay Friend’s Guide to Understanding Men was and still is:
Dating is a process of getting to know if this person is the right one for you. If you are just playing around to find dates to bed or have sex with, then you are not dating, you are fishing. That’s a different game completely.
I’m sure you’ll find takers, but be valiant and tell the person your courting that your head is NOT in the dating game.
You don’t get to this voice if reason or recognize it unless you spend time with yourself in silence, asking yourself important self-talk questions. This is like dating. You must get to know the voice of the Spirit by spending time in meditation and silence. This is the only I know to clearly download the power of wisdom and recognize the voice—IN TIMES OF TRAUMA—that is always directing YOU into safety!
Deciding on and living by your core values is a tenuous challenge. My many years of spiritual coaching and life coaching can help you with this. I have helped many people in this situation see light and overcome the darkness of the past. Give me a call: 954-253-6493. SKYPE sessions are available.
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