What Are You Looking At?
July 16, 2017
Have you ever been walking or driving beside someone you love and felt the need to turn over your shoulder to gaze at whomever is walking by you at the moment? Do you—without realizing it—look at every cute guy or gal who walks by?
Have you ever asked yourself why you do this?
Recently, in an effort to be completely transparent in our marriage, my husband and I had a very barebones conversation about this very subject. This topic ended up being completely revealing to each of our souls and brought our hearts closer.
Without him saying anything, I noticed that the habit for me to look at others walking by was still firmly embedded in my habitual behavior, even though I’m married. I know the old line, “I may be married, but I’m not blind!” However, I think this is just an excuse not to modify old “single” behavior and will probably get you in trouble when you and your partner are working hard to get over any possible difficulties that may come up in the future.
I remember a time when I first began sending out query letters, manuscripts of novels, and books to publishers and agents. Sometimes in weeks, sometimes in months, I would get the one-page, boilerplate letter that said… your novel sucked or didn’t match what they need. I knew though, because I had worked at publishers that most times, however, the novel or manuscript was thrown into a pile. The pile got big enough, we would hire a $5 an hour temporary to address envelopes to send a reject letter. The manuscript and letters were called the slush pile.
Sometimes I would get the rare invite to send an entire manuscript to the publisher or literary agent. The real waiting began. Instead of fretting, though, I would buffer my disappointment by sending out more query letters or manuscripts to the tune of 5-10 publishers and agents each week, even though you are not really supposed to do that. However, my anxiety about rejection was so bad that I would keep it in check by always waiting for that next response.
This is the same kind of feeling anyone has when they look for other options in relationship—consciously or unconsciously. If you continue to look at others and flirt with other people, you believe you boost your self-esteem, but also you create a subconscious database of all the people you could have dated had you not been married. For some reason, this gives people, especially males a sense of power.
It simply gave me guilt. Why? Because I understood why I was looking and didn’t enjoy that I was hiding some kind of subterfuge from the very person with whom I committed to spend my life.
Take some time the next time you ogle at someone and ask yourself a very important question: Why am I doing this? Do I want to have sex with this person? Do I ultimately wish I were with this person instead of the healthy relationship that is sitting right next to me? Or is this just part of the panorama that is floating by me, like the beautiful trees or flowers?
Only you could know. Only you can be painfully honest about your reason.
If you find that you are look far too much and you want to modify your behavior, this is exactly what I do using hypnosis. Actually any behavior modification is possible by retraining the neural pathways of the mind to move somewhere else instead of the habit you currently deal with.
Call me at 954-253-6493.
Bo Sebastian, clinical Hypnotherapist, life coach, author of 16 books.