In considering new relationships and dating, the primary goal is DO NOT keep dating the same type of person over and over again and expect a different result! When you search for someone to date, you may need to begin by considering a completely new paradigm for relating.
One very good goal is to balance transparency with securely attached behavior. I’ll explain:
Say, on a third date, you may not want to share intimate details about your life, because you are not secure enough or feel safe enough with the person yet. So, instead, you may ask questions that don’t risk revealing too much of his personal identity, but do reveal whether or not he is someone who has the ability to be transparent enough to be in a secure relationship.
An example of the difference in the type of question is this: If you asked, “Where do you work or where do you live?” this kind of question may lead to discovering information about the actual location he works from 9-5. That information may be too risky to reveal on a third date, especially for a woman. So, avoid that kind of interrogation. You could, however, ask, “If you could pick any job in the world, what would you do and why?”
This kind of questioning opens up into the character of the individual, instead of revealing specifics about who and what he or she does. I’d would much rather know about the character of an individual I’m interested in dating, anyway, than the precise details of his life. That will come later.
You may not want to answer the question: “What is your last name and the street you live on?” But, you could easily ask a person on the third date what relationship looks like to her.
You might follow that up with, “In the past, what kind of things would you do differently in relationship, or what have you learned from past relationships?” (Notice that I keep the questions positive. I wouldn’t ask, what did you do wrong? Or why didn’t your last relationship work out?)
You will notice immediately if a person gets uncomfortable with intimacy. If he or she avoids answering questions like the above, you can be fairly certain you are not dealing with a very securely attached individual. Your goal should be to understand how a person would act in each of the six important dynamics of relationship: Attraction, Availability, Intimacy, Transparency, Security, and Trust.
- Attraction, you can perceive the moment you meet and talk. If it’s there, it’s there. However, if you know what to look for, you may be attracted to a different type of person completely, than you had in the past.
- Availability is discovered when you find out if the person is actually unmarried, unattached, or has enough time off of work to actually have a relationship (an important attribute to have).
- Intimacy is fairly easy to achieve on a physical level. But you should be more concerned about achieving intimacy with your heart and mind first. Usually, intimacy comes with spending time together and finding things in common.
- Transparency is what we discussed above. Is this person willing to share his/her heart with you and tell you what matters most? If your date is not willing, then I wouldn’t go on another date.
- Security and Trust are developed over time. No one can predict how safe you will feel with someone, until you have spent time together in many different situations. That’s why we date, and we date for about a year before we get married or live with someone.
I am one to not waste time. So, if by the third date, a person hasn’t shared enough information or heart time with me, I’m not available to move forward. I have learned far too much in the dating process to waste my time with unavailable people with no desire or understanding of true intimacy.
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Bo Sebastian is a Hypnotherapist and Life & Health Coach, available for private sessions to QUIT SMOKING, Lose Weight, New Lap-Band Hypnosis for Weight Loss, CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR LIFE! at 615-400-2334 or www.bosebastian.com. Please feel free to comment and/or sign up to receive your blog sent to you directly or stream with an RSS Feed.
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